Defining My Success

Over the last few days I’ve really been trying to decipher what ‘success’ means to me. Sometimes it feels like we can so easily have our own interpretation of the word tainted and it can leave you in a state of limbo, pondering what it actually means. I can personally say that my idea of success feels somewhat distorted due to outside influence and through my own neglect too. I only came to this conclusion when I stopped for a moment to think about what it represented for me the other day. I then realised that what I thought it meant didn’t correlate with how it was making me feel. So, I am back to the drawing board.

A few days ago I set up a blank page with the heading ‘What do I define as success?” and I put five blank points underneath. It has taken me several days to complete those five points and I am still not sure they will be the same in a couple years time but for now they feel right. Before I continue, yes ‘feelings’ play an extremely large role in my life. I don’t mean it in a ‘they control’ me kind of way but rather a ‘go with your gut’ kind of fashion. I truly believe that most things, however uncomfortable they may feel, are suppose to project positivity into your life. They might make you feel a little nervous or unsure but the end result should always make you feel better than when you first started. If not, you’ve not done the right thing for your self growth. Disclaimer, I believe there is no definitive answer to the question and yet I think that’s what makes it so incredibly difficult and yet so powerful. It’s entirely up to you and can manifest in so many different ways during your life.

Before I continue, here is a very brief story which I think shows two things about me. One, although I thought I knew what this word meant to me, I clearly didn’t and two, I often find myself waiting for something bigger and more prolific to appear rather than just celebrating the smaller feats in life. The funny thing is for both of those statements I thought I was the opposite. I thought I knew and I thought I celebrated the small things when in fact, I did not. I literally thought I was something that I wasn’t but in-fact I really wanted to be and still do. Story time resumes now back in 2017. I received this expensive bottle of tequila for my twenty first birthday, inside this navy box was a tall clear bottle with a glass crown placed within numbered 117 (of who knows how many) and it sits on a shelf in my bedroom next to a bottle of champagne I’m saving for my sisters wedding. When I received that bottle of tequila from my brothers best mate I told myself that because it was so fancy, I would wait for some form of success to celebrate it with. I’m now twenty four and it is still sitting on that same shelf just pushed one position to the right.

The first thing I thought was, I’ll open it when I do something I am really proud of. Weird enough, I am actually proud of a lot of things I’ve done since I turned twenty one, but for some reason in my mind, they haven’t been good enough to result in the consumption of this ‘Ultra premium 100% Blue Agave Tequila’. I can’t blame this on anyone but myself really. I grew up with all older siblings so in my mind I should have always been able to match their capabilities even if I was 4, 6 or 11 years younger. Don’t ask where I got that from, because I don’t even know myself and my whole family always tell me that I am far too hard on myself for it. I have well and truly acknowledged this weakness because it stops me from feeling like I can celebrate the little things. Also in 2020 like I’ve said before the ‘idea of success' is to get rich, be famous, buy a house and then maybe, just maybe you can also be apart of the ‘successful club’. So, you can understand why it’s hard to fully accept your own successes when it has literally nothing to do with any of the above 2020 points. Honestly, mine are far from it. So all the tears in the end make up a very big pool of achievements I thought were really just a little puddle.

I could have opened that bottle the first time I got back from overseas to celebrate the fact that I didn’t fall apart leaving home for the first time and not being able to see my family everyday. I could have opened it to celebrate another year of growing older and hopefully wiser, for constantly trying to step out of my comfort zone and not crumbling or for looking back on my past successes that I didn’t give enough time to. I should have celebrated baking my first wedding cake or the nine hundred macarons for Nespresso or having my first ever baking videos published for a major online magazine but in the moment some part of me didn’t feel like it was just quite enough to open that freaking bottle and celebrate my success of just doing the best I can. Also, does tequila go off? If so I think I just wasted a beautiful gift, all because I couldn’t accept that success doesn’t always have to be driven by money, status or an apparent level I will never reach by comparing myself to others. I’m disappointed in myself for not enjoying it for what it is and that I have been so critical of myself because I thought I didn’t deserve it just yet.

You might be sitting there thinking, “gees this girl over thinks a lot” and yes you are most certainly correct. I did the 16 personalities quiz and it turns out overthinking is my forte. However, I also know that for as long as I can remember the feeling of wanting to belong has for some reason unbeknown to myself been engrained in society. We want to belong because we want to feel like people understand us and that people can relate to how we think and yet having different ideas of things like love and success make us that much more interesting. What I am trying to say here is that I am learning everyday that success isn’t just one thing. It’s anything that sets your soul on fire. Be all, end all, that is it. We’re in a global pandemic, lives unfortunately end everyday and that is morbid but it also makes me realise that I should not be wasting my time worrying that I am not meeting societies expectations of success. I’m a boss lady even if I don’t have the credentials. You believe it, you can achieve it. Now I’ll just go read back over this so it sinks in.

Here’s my list. My own 2020 idea of success for you all to see. It might not be like your own but I hope you give yourself the chance to define your own idea of the word and celebrate it whenever you want to.

What do I define as success:

Success is five things to me:

1. Being able to help people. Big or small, I don’t care. I just want to help.

2. Creating genuine, meaningful strong relationships.

3. Having real stories and memories to share.

4. Not feeling the need to listen to other peoples judgement because my level of self worth is more than enough to explain my actions.

5. Building and believing in my skills and knowledge so that I am capable of taking any step, in any direction when I want to.

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